If Only I Knew...

This was very difficult for me to write. I had to think about the last 5 years. I had to really dig deep down and remember some painful memories that I now have. I do have to say that I'm glad I did. Glad I wrote this that is. Here we go...

It takes me awhile to find the perfect girl for me and fall in love, but when I do I fall hard. I am very particular and when I found that special girl I fell without hesitation. We fell in love quickly. I had never felt such a love before for somebody as strong as I did with her. Usually I am a distant person and a person who is very calculated and confined. None of this was out of strategy because it was just who I was. This kept me from love and the ability to really open up to another person. It kept me from intimate human connection.

I could not tell you how quickly I fell in love with her. It all happened so fast I can't even remember it hitting me at any exact point. With her, there was no room for distance or confinement. She caught my attention in a way that no one else ever has. Even to this day that holds true. There was no over thinking, no lingering text messages, no missed phone calls, nothing. Her and I were both fully into it. We didn't even have to speak and we knew everything was alright. We could express our love without using words. I had to trust my feelings over my words. My words were easy to say, but not as easy to act upon. I always felt the strength of her love in a very gentle way. Especially as we would walk through the halls of High School. She never let a moment pass where she did not have her hand in mine. She didn't touch me in a way that was possessive, but in a way that was intimate. A way that was love.

It was a little over five years ago we started going out. I have known her longer than that, at least known who she was anyway. The day I asked her out I thought it was going to be just an ordinary day. I don't know how, but I felt something with her I had never felt before with anyone. I was nervous when I decided to ask her. I have told this story probably 100 times and each time I get this chill up and down my spine. I get this chill because it was one of the best days of my life. The feeling that something pulled us together. The more I think about it, the more I realize it was timing that pulled us together. There were many reasons as to why this relationship would have never lasted, but one important reason why it did was LOVE.

It lasted 5 years and 2 months.

A quote I ran across a few days ago by Emery Allen: "Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidence."

I could have searched years to sum up the love we had, but these words sum it up so well.  I was sure we were meant to be.

Of all the souls in this world I could not tell you how we found each other. I will never understand why. I know this sounds like a fairy tale and for awhile it felt like one. Ours was a big love. There have been many fights, fears, insecurities, doubts and now there has been a break up. Souls will fight to be together. Fear will fight for them to be apart. One thing is for sure though, it is torture on the heart.