People Will Remember How You Made Them Feel

Every year when my birthday comes around I like to ask myself, "What have I done?" "Am I content on where I am at?" Every year the answer seems to always be, "No." I always feel like I can do more and become more if I just try a little harder or a lot harder depending on what I am thinking. I always feel like I could be further along. Further a long in what? I don't actually know. I constantly expect more and more from myself. My birthday is my own New Years. My birthday is the day I can look back on the past year and determine if I had spent it well or not or weather I had done enough. I have had a lot dreams in my life. I still look upon the dreams of my younger self and wonder if I had met any of them. Growing up, I always attached my dreams to myself for approval and the desire to prove to the world that, not only could I play their game, I could win it.

My life is like a dark ball that I have to hold up to the light in order to really see inside it. I have to really think about it. I have to examine it. I have to find my flaws and the cracks in my life. I am a master at critiquing my life. I compliment myself in some areas telling myself, "good job" or "I knew you could do it", but I also berate myself in other areas. For the many summers I sat on my ass and did nothing. For the times I had a bad temper and punched holes in the doors and the walls. For the times I hung out with "friends" who were a bad influence on me. For the time I smoked. For all the times I made people hurt. For the times I should have kept my mouth shut. You see, I am a true critic when it comes to how I live.

I look at all of this and I evaluate it. I determine if the year had been a good one or a bad one. And whatever I came up with, that valuation would set the tone for this next year of my life. Looking at my life or dark ball, as I call it in the light, I don't see my present self. Instead, I examine based on the unpredictable desires of my younger self. That teenage boy who wanted to fit in during High School and who thought certain friends made him happy. The boy who saw the world in black and white lenses. The boy who thought he didn't deserve love, but had a lot to give. And I still do. Have a lot of love to give that is. I use to see life as nothing more than an attempt to accumulate status, but I realize it is nothing like that at all. I have realized that more in the last week than any other time. I feel awakened. I feel my road to reinventing myself might be shorter than expected.

So, now I need to evaluate. I put myself down or come up with reasons I am not good enough. I am not many things my teenage self had hoped I would become. I am not wealthy. I am not perfect by any means. I am not driving a Lamborghini. I am not living in a million dollar home. I am not done with school. I am not a celeb, a singer, an author, etc. I am not successful in the ways our society has defined success.

However, I am kind. I am a caring person. I am honest. I am compassionate. I am a good friend. I am happy. I know where I am going now. I am helpful. I am certain that my happiness begins and ends with me. I am all these things beyond what I ever thought I was capable of being. I am now present to my life. I am realizing that as I go through the most difficult time in my life... I will come out better than I was when I went in.

I do have some accomplishments to my name. I am in the honors society, I have a college degree, I helped with ideas for an app, realizing that I have a lot more potential than I thought, and surviving abstract algebra. But honestly, none of those things come close to how much the above attributes matter.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

My teenage self did not know that life is not all about accomplishments, but instead life is all about feelings, emotions, and experiences that you have. I will always remember heartbreak, heartache, falling in love with someone, breakdowns, and breakthroughs. The breakthrough part is just coming to me, but I am sure everyone will agree, and this is not just me typing away.  I have learned recently that circumstances and situations, especially the people involved, kind of just fall by the wayside. What is most important in these times is who we are and not what we are. How we lived and not what we did. 

Maya Angelou said it perfectly, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I have the opportunity to make people feel. This comes with being a compassionate person. A good job, nice clothes, etc. However, these things don't make people feel anything. Not really anyway. But Kindness, honorable, loving, helpful, etc. These are things people will remember about you. You are remembered by your impact, not by your car, money, clothes, success, etc. All of these things can be nice, but it is not what defines you by any means. It sure as hell doesn't define me.

I just turned 24, but as I look back on my 23rd year of living, I can say that it was the year that taught me what matters. The year that taught me where my heart really is and what is truly important. The year that taught me how to love fully and how to be the most compassionate person I can possibly be. For that, I would consider my 23rd year of life a success. I have taken this new knowledge into my 24th year. I will now expand these parts of myself in order to grow even more as a person and I will continue sharing the process with all of you.